When Mars dates Venus

Whether you are starting over, starting to date, or have been dating for years, one thing never seems to change: Dating has definite moments of pain, discomfort, and awkwardness. From the man who brought us Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Dr. John Gray, comes help for the very first stage of dating: attraction.

In stage one of dating, we experience our initial attraction to a potential partner. Although feelings of attraction are automatic, in order to sustain attraction in a personal relationship we must also be skillful in presenting ourselves in ways that are not just appealing to the other sex but are supportive as well. It is not enough to say, "Here I am; take me as I am." The alchemy of creating a loving relationship is a very delicate balance of give-and-take. The blending together of male and female must be done gradually.

In stage one, what tends to sustains attraction is the anticipation that we can get what we need or want from a relationship with a potential partner. Without a clear message that we can get what we need, the attraction will disappear. It can be so easy to misinterpret our date's actions and reactions and be turned off simply because we think and feel so differently. One of the biggest challenges in the beginning of a relationship is to sustain the feeling of attraction and give it a chance to grow as we get to know someone.

Expressing Your Most Positive Self

To sustain in stage one, we must express our best and most positive self. Without an understanding of the customs and manner on Venus, a man can put his best foot forward and unknowingly turn a date off. Most men just don't understand how women feel and what they are looking for. When a man is interested in a woman, quite automatically he treats her the way he would want to be treated. In many cases, that is not what a woman will appreciate. While trying to impress her, he inadvertently turns her off. To various degrees, most men are simply clueless when it comes to understanding women.

For example, instead of taking the time to listen and get to know his date, a man talks about himself or his theories about life. He thinks that this will impress her, and because she keeps asking questions, he thinks this is what she wants. When she does get a chance to talk, he mistakenly assumes she is asking for his advice and offers solutions to her problems or answers to her questions. Without even knowing why or how, he begins to turn her off.

A man doesn't instinctively understand manners on Venus. In some ways, he is like a bull in a china shop, oblivious of the effect he is having. He doesn't realize that a woman will feel most supported and impressed when he listens with interest rather than talking about himself or giving advice. This small insight can make a world of difference.