Sexy jokes - Page 6

A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow."

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, saying, "Johnny, this is where you came from."
Johnny went to school the next day smiling, insisting that all his friends refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."
"Why?" one asked.
Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd."

A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his first day there he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied up at the back of the barracks. He asked hi sergeant what this animal was for. The sergeant replied, "Well, sir, we're a fair distance from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel." The captain thinks about this, and says, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I suppose it's all right with me." After he has been at the fort for about six months, the captain became very frustrated himself. Finally he could stand it no longer and so he told his sergeant, "Bring in the camel!" The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters. The captain then got a foot stool and began to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped down, satisfies, and was buttoning his pants up, he asked the sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The sergeant replied, "Well, no sir, they usually just use it to ride to the brothel in town."

In search of adventure, an attractive young lady decided to head for the Far East, and stowed herself away on the first ship available. After a month, she was discovered by the captain, who was surprised to see that, despite her time at sea, she was remarkably well fed and clean. Though realising she must have been befriended by someone on board, he was surprised when she admitted that she had been to the cabin of his trusted first officer every morning. Apparently, the nice young man provided a hot bath and three-course meal, and said that he would continue to do so until they reached Japan.
"And what did he ask in return?" demanded the captain.
"Well, you might say that he took advantage," blushed the girl.
"I'll say he did," chuckled the old sea dog, rubbing his whickers. "You're on the Liverpool to Birkenhead ferry!"

An Eskimo is out for a drive one day when his car breaks down and he is forced to call out the Alaskan AA. The Eskimo stands in the howling wind and waits for the mechanic to arrive. When the mechanic reaches the broken car, he sets to work, looking under the bonnet until he appears to have located the problem. He looks up at the Eskimo and says, "You've blown a seal, mate." To which the Eskimo hastily replies, "No, I haven't. That's just frost on my moustache."

After a woman meets a man in a bar, they talk and end up leaving together. They get back to his flat, and as he's showing her around, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of them - all arranged in size, from the smallest on the shelves along the floor, to the huge daddy bears on the very top shelf. Although surprised, the woman decides not to mention this to him. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks smiling, "How was it?", "Well," says the man, frowning. "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

A man with no arms or legs is sunbathing on the beach. He is approached by three beautiful young women who take pity on him.
The first says to him, "Have you ever been hugged?"
The man shakes his head, and she leans down and gives him a hug. The second says to him, "Have you ever been kissed?"
He shakes his head. She kisses him.
Rather abruptly, the third girl asks, "Have you ever been fucked?"
"No," says the man, his eyes lighting up.
"Well, you are now, The tide's coming in."

A deaf mute strolls into a chemist’s shop to buy a packet of condoms. Unfortunately, the mute cannot see any of his required brand on the shelves, and the chemist, unable to decipher sign language, fails to understand what the man wants. Frustrated, the deaf mute decides to take drastic action: he unzips his trousers and drops his cock on the counter, before placing a bank note next to it. Nodding, the chemist unzips his own trousers, performs the same manoeuvres as the mute, then picks up both notes and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the chemist with a wild gesturing of his arms "Sorry," the chemist says, shrugging his shoulders. "But if you can’t afford to lose, you shouldn’t gamble."

A blonde goes into the dry cleaners to have her sweater cleaned. She asks the clerk, “How much?”
He doesn’t hear her correctly and says “Come again?”
She giggles and says “No…it’s just mustard this time.”