Sexy jokes - Page 5

What has two legs and eats ants? Uncles...

Standing nude, a woman looked in the bedroom mirror and said to her husband: "I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."
He replied, "Your eyesight´s damn near perfect!"

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

A bus stops and two obviously Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I pee twice. Then I come once more."
"You foul-mouthed wop swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, cool down lady," said the man. "I was only tellin' my friend here how to spell Mississippi."

Little Fred is in the classroom. All of a sudden, he raises his hand saying "Teacher, Teacher, I really have to piss!!" The teacher says "that is not the type of language to be using in the classroom Johnny, the proper word to use is urinate. Once you use the word urinate in a sentence, you will be allowed to go." Little Johnny thinks for a minute, appearing stumped. Finally he says "You’re an eight, but if your tits were bigger, you would be a ten".

Jack and Terry were talking one day in the company lunch room. Jack confessed that he had recently been having trouble with women. He asked Terry, who always seemed to have a date, what was his secret to finding women willing to go to bed. Terry said the secret was poetry. Jack said that poetry was for sissies. Terry disagreed and stressed how poetry had made him very successful with women.
Jack: "OK, I'll give it try. What should I say?"
Terry: "You need to say something about their hair, then compare their eyes to some animal, then explain to them the way you want to make love to them."
Jack: "Give me an example."
Terry: "Curly blond hair and eyes like a dove. I want to take you home and make sweet love."
Jack: "OK, that sounds easy, I'll give it a try."
The next day, as Terry walks into the company lunch room, he sees Jack. Jack's head is swollen & covered with bruises.
Terry: "What happened to you?"
Jack: "I tried your ****in' poetry, that's what happened!"
Terry: "What did you say?"
Jack: "I took your advice, I said something about her hair, and compared her eyes to an animal, then explain to her the way I wanted to make love to her."
Terry: "And it didn't work?"
Jack: "Hell, no it didn't work... look at me. She beat the shit outta me."
Terry: "Let me hear your poem."
Jack: "Nappy haired bitch with eyes like a frog. I wanna bend you over and screw you like a dog."

Do you know the difference in a G-spot and a lost golf ball? Answer: A man will hunt for 2 hours to find a lost golf ball.

David finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman.
"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs.
"Not on her best day," he replied.
"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?"
"No, she's broke."
"Well, then, is it sex?"
"Nobody does it like you, babe."
"Then what can she do that I can't?"
"Sue me for child support."

A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn’t in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?’"
"I remember that, too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."

There was a young man who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three doctors and one nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation.
The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.
The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it." They discussed it and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.
The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it." They discussed it and said that would give him erection problems.
The doctors looked at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks.
The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?"