Sexy jokes - Page 1

Business was good at the local whorehouse and the madam decided to partition one of larger rooms. After the work was complete the carpenter asked for payment but was put off.
After several weeks he still hadn't been paid and he regularly threatened, "Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."
Finally the madam offered to pay him in trade. "Take any girl in the house and have your pleasure with her."
"I'll take you."
"Me? I'm an old lady. Take one of those young, good looking chicks."
"I want you."
So he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her back and put one finger in her pussy and one finger in her butt. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"I told you before. Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."

This guy is in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde
behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although
familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of
one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
"Christ!" he says "are you that stripper at my bachelor party that I had on the pool table in front of all my friends, while your partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"
"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

At the end of a long crime fighting day, Superman decides he needs to relax for a few hours, so he rings spiderman to see if he'd like to go out for a drink.
Spiderman replies "No, I have to repair my web spinner."
So, Superman rings a few more of his super hero friends and they're all busy. He decides in the end to go for a quick super-fly around the world to clear his mind before bed time.
As he passes over Wonder-Woman's mansion he sees her lying naked and spread eagle next to her pool.
Hmmm he thinks, with my super powers I'll fly down for a quickie and before she realizes I'll be gone.
So he swoops down and "WHAM BAM thank you maam" and he's gone.
Wonder- Woman shreiks "What was that?"
And the invisible man cries "I don't know, but I've sure got a sore ass!!!"

Two guys are in a strip joint, one is sitting in front of the other. A woman comes on stage and starts stripping.
The guy in back, Paul, says, "Oh yeah, Oh yeah!"

Then the first guy turns around and says, " Hey Paul, shut up!"

Then two women come out and start stripping. Paul, once again, starts, "Yeah baby..mmmm....yeah!"

Once again the guy in front turns around and tells Paul to be quiet. So three women come out and start stripping. Paul is silent.

The guy in front says, "Hey Paul, where's all your excitement now?"

Paul says, "All over your back!"

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? "

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?"

"A hundred dollars."

"Damn. All I've got is thirty."

"Hold on," she says and runs back to Harry. "What can he get for thirty dollars?"

"A handjob," Harry replies.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.

He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail..... When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.

So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.

After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.

The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."

The first man asked, "How's that?" "Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast.....she farted and flew out the window!"

Welche 4 Flüsse können sich Blondinen merken...? - Rhein... Inn... Main... Po...

Two cowboys are talking over a beer discussing various sex positions. The first cowboy says his favorite position is the "rodeo". The other rustler asks what the position is and how to do it.
"Well, get your babe to get on the bed on all fours and do it doggy style. Once things start to get underway and she’s really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear ´Your sister likes this position as well...` Then you try and hang on for 8 seconds."

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines. The son turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The mother told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The stewardess responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?” The boy admitted that this was the case. “Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.”